HEAVEN: THE ETERNAL CASTE SYSTEM

What’s heaven for you?

Heaven or Hell seems to be our options in orthodox Christianity. You either end up in heaven with God or you end up in Hell with the devil. The Catholics provided us with some additional places, like limbo and purgatory, cause hell wasn’t enough (They got rid of limbo. Can you believe the audacity of changing their doctrine?!). Heaven is reserved for those who have accepted Christ and who are deemed worthy through his self-giving sacrifice to enter the kingdom of God. In the end it is God’s grace that saves you, not your works or good behavior. Catholics still insist you need the sacraments of the church in addition to Jesus, and the Protestants rely wholly on the grace of God, usually taking a more symbolic interpretation of the sacraments. Sacraments and good behavior are your way of living in gratitude for the giving of Jesus who died and suffered for you. Well, there you have it - Christian soteriology in one paragraph. My seminary friends are reeling in agony.

Mormonism offers a variation of this idea of traditional heaven and hell. There is no actual hell (‘cause that’s just absurd). Hell is a state of mind; it is an internal torment of regret and self-pity caused by one’s inaction (inability?) to live up to God’s commandments. There is a heaven in Mormon theology (Hey, they have to keep something, might as well be the good parts). It is a real place you go after you die and are resurrected. Jesus did his part to open up the door to heaven for everyone; Yep, everyone. Everyone gets in. Except for a few who are so obstinate that they refuse to walk in the door opened by Jesus – feminists, homosexuals and intellectuals. Glad to see Weber State naming one of their buildings after Boyd K. Packer, by the way. It’s important to acknowledge the man who helped clarify those destined for outer darkness. Can’t pay too much homage to a man who advised against interracial marriage and is a homophobic bigot. I digress. In Mormonism most everyone gets into heaven.  

So what’s the Mormon heaven like? So Jesus opened the door to let everyone in (Be nice and say thank you). The party place called heaven has three levels of fun, and guess what? There is a time of judgment before you get into the doors. You are judged by God on the actions/inactions of your life. Your judgement determines which level of heaven you get to enjoy. That’s right! Heaven is a three story building with God and his buddies on the top floor and everyone else dispersed on two lower levels. Each level is a party, but of varying quality. Jesus and Joseph Smith are at the door checking ID’s. Let’s see where everyone gets to go.

The lowest level is for the assholes of the world. It’s a party but really lame. It’s better than burning in a literal hell, so you better enjoy an eternity of poorly cooked BBQ weenies and 80’s big-hair rock band music (Isn’t that hell?). The middle level is for people that were nice, but not super-upperdy -duper nice (a.k.a. Baptists). They get a party too, and it’s better than the lower level party, but still kind of lame, mostly because you can hear the really kickin’ party above you. Because you weren’t super-upperdy-good during your fallibly enriched life, you’re stuck on the second level of heaven. You’re still going to have a great time, but you didn’t make it into the top party, so that’s a bummer. The top level party - the best most kickass party - is for the Mormons (I know what you’re thinking.  Mormons throwing a kickass party? Something supernatural must be going on). That’s where God hangs out. He won’t go down to the lower level parties. God hangs out only in his exclusive penthouse at the top of heaven. But unless you think God to be an exclusive twat, He does let other people into his penthouse that aren’t currently Mormons. Other people can get into the kickass party on the third floor after they adopt Mormonism and flash the secret handshakes (You don’t know about the secret handshakes? It’s like what the baseball players do after a homerun, just without the chest bump. They took that part out). It’s kind of like knowing the special code word for getting into a speakeasy during prohibition, except there isn’t any liquor on the other side of the door … ‘cause the place is full of Mormons.  You know, the more I use this party analogy the more I think God’s penthouse party is going to be pretty lame. Maybe Jesus turned the water into wine on level two?

So my irreverence may upset you, but it actually helps illustrate something I admire about the Mormon outlook on heaven. Heaven is a three tiered system in which everyone receives a just recompense for the way they lived and to the degree that they accept “the gospel” or Mormonism. Didn’t get to hear about Mormonism? No problem. You can accept it after you die when you’re a spirit or after you get your body back in the resurrection. Either way, you’ll hear about Jesus, learn about Mormonism, and then when you accept it all, you can come to one of the parties in heaven. You still won’t make it into the top party where God hangs out. It’s a tough place to get in. Something about the path is narrow and you have to cleave to an iron rod (Sounds like pole dancing to me). The really neat thing, and I mean this in all seriousness, is that everyone, at least the vast majority of people get to go to heaven and they‘re  going to be happy. Mormons, I really do like this about your theology. The only people that don’t get to go to heaven are the idiots that won’t even step through the front door. Hey, they didn’t want to come in. Everyone else is welcome and will be happy forever.

Why is this system of heaven considered by some very devout members of the LDS church to be better than the Christian dichotomy of heaven and hell? Answer: God isn’t as big a prick! He’s not sending a bunch of people to the eternal fires of hell for living an imperfect life or for not knowing about Jesus (“Created sick and then commanded to be well.” – Benjamin Franklin). Instead, for the most part, everyone is saved and gets to continue their existence for eternity in a level or degree of happiness. Sounds like a great alternative; at least, it’s an alternative. I for one have acquired too much sympathy for those who suffer to think that my state of happiness in heaven will be justified while I allow others to suffer in the eternal pit of hell. What actions in a mortal lifetime would validate eternal torment? Kill millions of Jews? Drop an atomic bomb on another country? Maybe you voted for Bush? Is there really anything you can do that would justify an eternity of hell? Call me soft, but I don’t think so.

There’s a catch though in Mormon theology. You see, only the Mormons at the top tier of heaven get to enjoy eternity with their families. One of the requirements to get into God’s penthouse party is that you go through a Mormon temple and participate in certain ceremonies and rituals (That's where you learn the handshakes you need to get into the penthouse). Without those specific ceremonies you can’t enjoy eternity with your family. So, you’ll get into heaven, but your family relations somehow disintegrate unless you get into the top level, God’s penthouse. You will continue to exist in one of the lower levels and somehow you’re happy, but the love of your life is no longer yours, and your children somehow stop knowing you as a father or mother. Even the unique bond developed between grandparents and grandchildren vaporizes for those who don’t make it into God’s penthouse. So let’s say your wife gets into God’s penthouse, but you get stuck with BBQ weenies and 80’s rock music. You won’t see her again, at least by your own volition. There’s no party hopping unless you are privy to God’s penthouse, then you can have special privileges to go down to the parties on level one and two. But why would you want to? Even if your earthly husband is in the lowest level, he’s no longer your husband in heaven. What relationship drives you to behave uniquely for a guy who can’t even hold a candle to you in God’s penthouse? There is none. That’s like an incredibly beautiful woman who drives a smoking red Camaro going to the projects to look for a dude who rides an old Schwinn and smokes pot all day. She may go for the pot, but she’s not going for the guy or the Schwinn.   

Don’t worry. You’ll be happy.

Know what? No you won’t. I don’t know any Mormon that is pissing their pants in anticipation to live in India. In India they have a system similar to the Mormon heaven. You have the Brahmins, the most elite, wealthy and educated of society. Top tier folks who can go anywhere, but they typically stick to their Brahmin-hoods. Then there’s the Kshatriya on level two and the Vaishya on level three. On the bottom of the food chain in India are the Shudra. Guess how you become a Brahmin? A deity of Hinduism has placed you through birth into this tier because of the karma you produced in a previous life. Same goes for the other tiers of this system of society. You are born a Brahmin and your privilege is based on superstitious beliefs inherited through a superstitious society. Sound familiar? The point I would like to make is this: I know of no Mormon jumping for joy at the idea of participating at any level in the caste system of India, yet Mormons somehow think desirable the eternal caste system of Mormon soteriology. Thank you for getting rid of eternal hell-fire, but replacing it with an eternal caste system?

 

This is not just a caste system where at the very least you have your family. Oh no, this eternal caste system includes the certain demise of the world’s families so that only the penthouse Brahmins can have families. Sorry guys, but If you got rid of hell to replace it with a caste system you don’t solve the problem of presenting God’s judgment as just. You mean to tell me that because the family next door to you doesn’t know the secret handshakes of the Mormon temple their family relationships will disintegrate for eternity? Does that really seem like a just judgment of their life? They spend a lifetime together in deep relationship and genuine love, overcoming the harsh world that tries to tear them asunder, and God is going to surprise them with the eternal gift of eternal separation? Some of these families spend their life in collective devotion to Jesus, but God needs the Mormon fist-bump to let them stay together as a family in heaven? For me, the lasting love of our relationships is not contingent on a set of mystical rituals that involve special phrases or special handshakes. God is not going to let you in to his party, not because you were a jerk to your kids, cheated on your wife, killed and raped dozens of women and voted for Bush, but because you didn't know the handshakes. Does that really seem just? Not to mention merciful, full of grace, good, loving, the act of a father whose best attribute is steadfast love? Not to mention, reasonable, sane, even desirable as a system of an eternal society? I’ll answer that one for you, since you may be trying to justify God’s assholism. No.

India has become and will continue to become more democratic, with the lines of Brahmins and Shudra blurring more and more. Why would they want democracy and equality? Why would they want their caste system overturned? Because the human creature can only truly love in complete freedom. Freedom is the fundamental prerequisite to love, and a soul cooped up in the lowest or middle levels of heaven is nothing more than enslaved, caught in a system that limits their ability to express love to other souls and express love to even their God. Most important for the Mormon-Brahmins to consider is that by supporting a system that petrifies others in a state of eternal limitation, you compromise your own ability to live in freedom and therefore love.  Interlaced in love, freedom empowers us to look on the other as simply an extension of ourselves; a creature worth lifting up out of the trappings of a societal system that encourages apathy. Happiness is nothing more than the reinforcing and constant presence of unfettered love. Happiness is knowing that you are loved and that you can love freely, genuinely, and without restriction. When you think of heaven, do you really think of a societal system  in which your place and the place of everyone else is determined for eternity solely based on an incredibly unfair, fallible, made-to-screw-up-from-day-one mortal existence? Do you really desire that level of impermanence for you and your brothers and sisters of humanity? I can just imagine that monologue from the bouncer standing at the door of God’s penthouse:

Sorry Billy, you can only roam around level two for eternity. I know, I know. You’re bored as hell and would really like to continue in your eternal existence with some actual purpose and ability to progress. And I know you have some loved ones in the penthouse that you would love to see. They gave your life meaning and you cared for them with copious amounts of devotion. Hell, you even worked your ass off just so they could have a roof over their head and food on the table, all for them. You know better than I that you didn’t work that job for your personal development. You can’t see them. You can't see them for eternity. You can’t even leave the level two party room. Isn’t heaven great?!

The idea that an eternal caste system is somehow equated to heaven is erroneous. Even Mormons know this. Ask any of them if they want to go to the parties on levels one and two, and they’ll tell you no. Why? Because they know as well as anyone that the only real heaven is with your loved ones. Anything less is hell. And to think you’re going to be happy in the penthouse while a loved one is cursed to spend the rest of eternity in some lower degree is absurd. If you have any sympathy in your bones, or any love of freedom, there’s no way you will be content - no matter how sweet the penthouse - knowing all the while your loved one spends eternity in a 'heaven' of restrictions and seperation from you. Look at me! I enjoy complete freedom in God’s penthouse while my loved one is stuck in a societal system that stifles his eternal progression! And not only do I benefit from this system, I applaud it! There is no justice in damning people to lower levels of heaven for the conduct of their mortal existence, unless they voted for Bush. Well, okay, even they should be given mercy, lots and lots of it. In Mormonism, God still comes off as a jerk, but this time he’s selling slurpees to Bart Simpson. 

What’s heaven for you?

Sunday morning I woke up and wondered what it would be like to die. This wasn’t a thought into what it would be like to go to heaven or meet God. That experience would be something like, “Damn, sorry about denying your existence. My bad. Coffee?” No, it was the thought of experiencing death; consciousness slipping into the cold of a sleep-like darkness never to wake. How strange a paradox: I wake up fully alive in the morning only to contemplate the act of dying, slipping into never-ending night.

Guess what I did? I decided I wanted pancakes. I decided I wanted to go to IHOP with my children and eat pancakes with them. Normally on a Sunday I would throw aside this sinful desire to spend money on the Sabbath, but freedom when fully embraced simply embraces you back, reminding you that it is there, always, even when feared. It was just me and the kids, and like the barrage of noise and excitement that we are, we stepped into IHOP. We came, we ate, we made a mess, we laughed (yeah, even the high strung author laughed). There is something so beautiful about a syrupy smile from your three year old daughter with a dash of whip cream on her nose.

I asked my oldest what she thought heaven would be like. She gave me a look of curiosity, probably never having thought of the question. In the syrup-coated chaos of breakfast I volleyed my question to her: What’s heaven for you? She didn’t have a reply. I told her, I was already there.

We did a special high five, followed by a low five, a fist bump, with a super explosion of our hands. It’s our secret handshake and the only one that matters.

 

Search, Ponder, Pray and Repeat