I was born in Utah but my family moved to Oklahoma when I was a toddler, so I consider myself an Okie. I grew up LDS (Mormon), loved high school and was a pretty decent teenager. After a year in Boston (awesome year), I served an honorable mission, and then married in the Temple soon after. I have an amazing wife who I will always love and hold in the highest regard.
I received a Bachelor's degree from the University of Oklahoma in Psychology and went on to work on my Masters of Divinity with the intent to become a chaplain in the Air Force. I went through some challenging experiences in preparing to become a chaplain, experiences which lead me to leave the military with a commitment to non-violence. The Sermon on the Mount in particular was a major catalyst for this change.
Exploration of history, theology, ministry, and preaching also has an effect, and it challenged me to look at my faith tradition in light of my personal growth. My faith crisis really emerged in a Systematic Theology course in which I was forced to confront the incongruities of my personal beliefs and the teachings of my religious institution. The final paper was a strange mixture of the LDS Articles of Faith and Orthodox Christianity. That paper was something tangible that made me realize how much I had changed.
It is important to note that the historical issues of the LDS Church were not on my radar at this time. The cognitive dissonance I was experiencing emerged in my critique of the concept of vicarious works and the implication it has on God. I couldn't conceive of a God that loved his people and would presumably respond to their prayers, but leave them without the authority to access salvation for some 1800 years. In short, I questioned the necessary assumption that creates the need for the restoration - the apostasy. Without an apostasy, there is no need for a restoration, and my mind could no longer believe in a divine power that would not grant access to the Atonement for millions of people who, through much more pain, suffering and turmoil than I will ever experience, remained faithful to God. The idea of a loving Father withholding salvation to 1800 years of history seemed more sadistic than divine.
I then began to explore the LDS faith more in depth, discovering for myself the parts of history that are conveniently left out of Sunday School lessons, and the many peculiar theological beliefs and teachings of previous LDS Church leaders. I became embittered by my discoveries, feeling deceived by the very institution that I held so dear. The more I explored, the more upset I became.
2011 was an awful year. It was the year of all this pain I described above. In the Fall of 2011 the Church's gossip troupe got wind of my personal struggles and the chatter began. I was quickly accused of being deceitful and two-faced. I tried to understand these harsh words as the expression of pain, but I wasn't in a healthy place, needing ministry more than gossip. In response, I started this blog. I figured the best remedy to claims of deceitfulness is to open up in a public and inviting way. A blog seemed the easiest way to do just that.
I initially wrote on my theological, historical and ethical strife with the stance of the LDS Church. I wanted to hear what my strong LDS friends had to say in response to my issues. I thank my LDS friends for their responses because they made me see just how much I had changed. I met with church leaders who were kind, but had no answers and lack any ability to minister to a person in my position. It got to a point where I realized that I could no longer hold to or defend the LDS Church. I respectfully disagree.
The journey would be over here if it wasn't for further study. I left the LDS church clinging to a fragile hope in Jesus. Alas, review of the Bible, its formation, and the textual issues throughout took my questioning to the assumptions I had safeguarded during my struggle with the LDS church. At the conclusion of my Master's of Divinity in the Fall of 2012, I solidified my disbelief and I could no longer make the claims of Christianity with any personal integrity.
Concerning Christianity, I did not record my questions or thoughts in this blog. It was exhausting enough to just go through such an ordeal all over again, and so soon after losing my faith in the LDS Church. Exploring Christianity, which was also an exploration in religion as a whole, warranted a more private searching.
Now, I am a humanist. I do not live out a faith in God, nor believe in a deity. This position has proven to be the most relinquishing and humble position that I have experienced. What gives me purpose is a deep seeded passion to live out the golden rule. Anyone can tell you that I fail at this purpose day in and day out, but being in the company of the whole of humanity in this failure, I never lack a dialogue partner.
The last few years, as you can tell, have been a whirlwind of change. I find that many people distrust an individual who is so mercurial in his religious beliefs. I don't blame you. Yet, I hope at the very least you will read in this blog a genuine voice. Sometimes it's crude, and most of the time you will find errors in grammar and spelling. At the very least, it is honest and comes from an individual willing to change even the deepest of convictions.
So now what? Now, just read and explore. Leave a comment if you want, but make an effort to be nice. I will make an effort to read your comment always assuming it was written to challenge, edify and never to insult. As you may know by reading other blogs, this is a tall order for both of us.
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