Tonight I went out with my friends. I went to a strip club, had a few drinks. Okay, I had more than a few drinks. It was really the shots of vodka that got me ... relaxed. I went out with money in my wallet but I think I left most of it in the thong of a topless woman.
I drove home drunk. I stumbled into the door when my wife opened it for me after pounding on it incessantly. I then threw up on the carpet. My wife started cleaning up my vomit and so I kicked her in the butt and made her fall over. I laughed as I stumbled down the hall to my bed where I passed out.
Actually, none of that's true. I didn't go out with friends and I most certainly didn't go to a strip club. I didn't drink, I didn't bang on the door or even throw up. I didn't hit my wife or pass out on the bed.
Can I tell you what I really did?
I started the evening off with my youngest child, who was tired and ready for bed. I took my youngest into his room, put his pajamas on, rocked him till his eyes struggled to stay open, then gently placed him in his crib, all the while singing 'Amazing Grace.'
After wishing my youngest a peaceful night's sleep, I spent the early part of the evening with my three oldest children at the high school soccer field. We ran back and forth on the field, kicking the ball in the net and watching each other do cartwheels. We cheered for each other when we scored a goal or made a descent cartwheel. Even I joined in the fun, showing off my amazing cartwheeling talent (Ha!). There happened to be a baseball game in progress next door to the soccer fields. So after our intense soccer match and some competitive cartwheeling, I bought the kids slushies from the concession stand and we watched a little bit of America's past time.
When we got back from the soccer field the kids put on their pajamas and went to bed while I took a shower, changed my clothes and headed out to the bookstore. I took with me my history books, a note pad and a pen. For roughly two hours I read in the coffee shop at the bookstore. I will admit, the aroma and ambiance of the coffee shop worked its magic on me and I couldn't resist buying myself a little sinful treat for the ride home ... yep, a frozen hot chocolate. It sounds like a contradiction, but it is so yummy.
On my ride home I thought about the upcoming weekend. I am manning a booth to promote a tobacco free lifestyle at a PFLAG conference on Saturday. It dawned on me though that the community kitchen that serves the homeless recently finished remodeling their kitchen. This means that my two oldest children and I can return to serving lunch on Saturdays. My mind began to work out a strategy to squeeze in just one hour away from the conference to take my kids to the newly remodeled kitchen and help serve lunch. It's going to be tough but my oldest won't stop talking about it. She will be so excited.
I'm home now. I'll go to bed soon. I may read a little bit more or just go to sleep. I've left my Bible open to Isaiah, so maybe I'll step in my study to continue reading about the suffering servant.
I always thought that a life away from the church would be a little bit more ... dangerous ... risky ... maybe even a little bit more evil. There were so many testimony meetings where I would hear people say things like, "If it wasn't for the church, I would be a horrible person." I'm just not finding that to be the case.
I guess I just stink at this apostate stuff. I tried coffee before and I don't like it. In April I went to New Orleans for a conference and tried a beer and sampled a few drinks. It's nasty and all alcohol is overrated on both sides of the aisle. I'm too poor for a strip club and I have no desire to go in one anyway. My wife is too amazing a person to ever hit, nor do I have a desire to hit another human being. I always imagined that apostates were mean, violent and behaved like the selfish criminals of the nightly news. Could I be wrong?
I guess I make the worst apostate.
Search Ponder Pray Repeat
Yes, you are a terrible apostate! You need to try harder.
ReplyDeleteHello Travis,
ReplyDeleteStumbled upon your blog from Matt's. Enjoyed reading this. I think the "apostate" label might be a bit strong though. There were several times when Jesus went to desolate places and prayed. Perhaps he was searching as well. Enjoyed our studies together. May God bless you and your family richly!
Kevin
Hey Kevin,
ReplyDeleteI was called 'apostate' by a local church leader who was attempting to minister to me. In his defense, I was in a very hurt and angry place at the time, so I doubt I was at all civil even though I never reduced myself to name calling. My demeanor most likely put him on the defensive. Our combined defensiveness most likely tarnished my relationship with a very good man and for that I regret that the conversation ever happened. Sad.
The term 'apostate' is alive and well in Mormonism and it sadly does nothing to minister to those in a personal struggle with its theology and history. I was reflecting on the moment he called me 'apostate' and thinking of how guilty and dirty it made me feel for days. When you are labeled with such a pejorative term by a mentor and church leader it does nothing to build you up or make you want to return. This blog post is a way for me to own my status and embrace the fact that I am not what the term implies within the minds of many (not all) LDS people. Yes, I no longer believe the doctrinal teachings of Mormonism and that makes me an apostate, but there is a cultural stigma placed on the apostate that I am trying to illustrate does not fit reality for most people like myself who are disenchanted by Mormon theology. We do not leave the church and transform in to immoral people, drunks or even coffee drinkers :) The social stigma is inaccurate and inappropriate. I would argue that it does nothing to recover lost sheep, but what do I know. I'm just an apostate :) I hope that this explanation is helpful to maybe see where I am coming from and the lesson it taught me. I am not all what they say I am and for that I am grateful. Thanks for the reply and thoughtful remarks. Blessings back at you!
Well, Travis, you did misspell "decent" (in reference to cartwheels). Maybe that's just the beginning...
ReplyDeleteHey! I'm back. Sorry I've been gone so long. I had a quarter of a year of internet issues and appear to be having issues getting back into the swing of things. And life's been... interesting.
I see you are doing well. Good. It's late, so I won't be writing more now, but I wanted to say "Hi" and find some kind of imperfection that we could chalk up to apostasy.
God is already blessing You and Yours,
So May You and Yours recognize it,
especially when you need to most.
spartacus
Now that I have some time I thought I would try to stretch this topic out a bit.
ReplyDeleteI think you probably are the worst kind of apostate Travis. See, I suspect that the only good kind of apostate, in the view of the LDS Church, is a bad one - that is, a person who does bad things. More specifically, the only good kind of apostate is the kind that shows the unhealthy consequences of leaving the LDS Church. By reinforcing the implicit and explicit claims of the LDS Church that it and it alone can make people truly good, apostates that do any and all the wrong things are doing just the right thing for the LDS Church's claims and worldview.
You, however, Travis, are not doing what you are supposed to. You are not reinforcing these claims and worldview. In all your interactions with LDS you will be an example of how the LDS Church teaches falsely when it teaches/allows/encourages its members to believe apostates leave for sin or fall into sin inevitably.
Even worse, since I believe you are interacting more authentically/completely/effectively with God now, as you deepen your relationship with the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, your God-empowered faith and love will shine brighter.
This, unfortunately, will not necessarily translate into a revolution in the minds of your friends and family, let alone the whole LDS Church, as they can make up anything about you to make them feel better about what they actually experience of you. But, God willing, and He usually is about this sort of thing, some will see, and over time, some will become that much more likely to reevaluate their own relationship with God, and their view of the LDS Church.
Possibly, and certainly ironically if so, it could come about that some of those who do know you, more or less, will become more critical of you and your actions than they were when you were a member, in the attempt to find something that can reinforce their beliefs and comfort with the LDS Church. I find this ironic, because they will be tempted to hold you to a higher definition of purity, goodness, and sin than they do their own priesthood holders.
There may be those who think you will, in the long term, turn to the dark side. They think that you are riding on the momentum that Heavenly Father and the LDS Church gave you during your time in the fold. This would not be consistent as it is assumed that you would have to have lost most if not all such momentum in order to leave in the first place, but whatever it takes for them to feel better.
But, yeah, as far as LDS culture goes - I think, again ironically, they would probably rather see you fall into sin rather than not, let alone grow. Some would want you to fall from a sort of "higher compassion" in which they hope, in falling, you see the error of your ways and return to what they believe is true. Some with a callous and disturbing larger view, barring a return, would want you to fall so that you can reinforce the "truth" of the LDS Church.
May you continue to find Liberty in Christ,
May you continue to deepen your sense of gratitude to the Father,
and may you be empowered by the Spirit to bear your Cross and love as He loves.
spartacus
Spartacus, I think the lack of LDS responses may indicate the sharp decline in the number of LDS people reading my posts now. That's okay. Something I have learned is that while there is certainly a stereotypical LDS person, there is a wide range of LDS folk as well. I had a good friend remind me of this rather recently and I need to remind myself of this more often. I think I have experienced so much of one breed that I forget there is a range.
ReplyDeleteWith that said I recognize that many LDS people do not hold such a desparaging view of all apostates. Indeed, many LDS people have relatives that have also walked away from the church and still express love and genuine concern to those individuals. I think I wrote this post in contemplation over the title given to me by a leader in comparison to how I am living my life. I also previously held a negative idea to those that would walk away from the church, so in a way it is also a self-critique of a paradigm I once held very dear. It is not one that all LDS people have and I am grateful for the few LDS people that still consider me their friend and treat me as such. At the same time, the range allows also for what you describe and I have also felt the pressure from those who would have me come back more as a way to prove the Church's supremacy than out of love. The experience of the range of reactions is confusing, to be honest. In any case, I own my new title.