After my ST class I continued to explore more into LDS history and theology. I began to learn the critical issues about Joseph Smith, The Book of Mormon, Priesthood, Temple, etc. I learned things that they don't tell you in Sunday School or from the pulpit. At the same time, I began to withdraw from people around me: I asked to be released from my calling, spent a lot of time in contemplation, and became secluded at times. I will admit, it all became frustrating and at times I became very angry, hurt, confused. Amid all of that emotion I tended to dwell on the worse possibilities that could happen to me and my family. I really wanted to leave the church and I knew that would be a devastating blow to my wife, who is amazing.
Over the past few months I have become much more open with people about my situation and, as I am sure most people can imagine, things improved. One peculiar thing happened as I began to share my questions and concerns about the LDS faith with other members. I began to find people silently asking the same questions and raising the same concerns to a degree equal or greater than my own. People you wouldn't expect were questioning core teachings. I also found that they benefited from a genuine and rich theological discussion. I realized that I am not alone, and maybe more people would benefit from openness, sharing and dialogue.
So I am starting a blog. I titled it "Search Ponder Pray Repeat" because it is a phrase that has motivated my personal exploration of this thing we call the Gospel. It comes from a classic LDS primary hymn, but I decided to add 'Repeat' at the end. I'm afraid too many people have stopped searching, pondering and praying. Too many people believe they have it figured out. My hope is that this blog will be a window for those close to me with questions about my doubts and concerns. I also hope it will serve as a catalyst for others to extend their searching to areas previously unknown.
I am not an expert. I am simply one more person on a faith journey much like your own. But I can tell you that I am passionate about God and people. For that reason I am passionate about love and dialogue. Join in the conversation and please do not feel afraid to voice your perspective. Most of us are seeking for the same source of wisdom and knowledge with the purpose of becoming better human beings. May this blog be helpful in some way.
Search Ponder Pray Repeat
I look forward to reading (and responding to) your future postings. I have a testimony that powerful results come from questioning (in faith rather than skepticism) one's own beliefs. There was a talk given by Pres. Uchtdorf in a CES devotional a couple years ago in which he said that we are a questioning people. If my memory serves me well, I believe he then pointed out that the church was restored through asking questions. This idea of the importance of questioning is something that has helped my testimony of the church. Additionally, I had a stake president that once told us in stake conference that if we weren't seeking anything (in reference to spiritual growth) from the Lord, we needed to repent. Thus, I believe that the Lord expects us to, and hopes that we will question in order to grow. Thanks for starting this blog. I'm sure I will grow from whatever you have to write.--Will
ReplyDeleteThanks, Will. I appreciate your interest and I look forward to future conversations. We are most certainly to be a questioning people, like you state. I hope that somehow the questions I have will indeed be faith building. I will say that through my experience, faith building usually occurs after we allow God to tear something erroneous down in our collection of beliefs. It's a painful process because when we talk of God we also talk of our very core as individuals. Our very self is on the stage, so to speak, even though the script is focused on God. I am making a commitment to be loving and gracious in our dialogue because I know what it feels like to be on stage and realize you don't have any clothes on, figuratively speaking of course.
ReplyDeleteTravis- Wanted to let you know I think this blog is great - very open and honest - which can be difficult for people at times. I had a similar time in my life, ten years ago, when God took me from being on the sideline, to an active particpant. He made me really think about what it was that I believed and believed in. (I'm not trying to say what you are or have been going through is the same thing I did.)
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to say, I don't think anything bad ever comes out of seeking God. I think we are to always do that, always study and challenge what we believe and God will only strengthen us.
I am reading ST right now. Well I have been for a while, it's definetly a deep,long read. But it's a great tool. I think you are an amazing writer, and I give you props for this blog. It has been a great read for me so far, and I think it will be great for others too!
Thanks Bridgette. I appreciate your encouragement and thoughts. I also agree with you that any ST takes time and is deep water. If you feel yourself sinking I recommend reading something on Yahoo news. They always have stupid stuff that makes you glad you are reading something worth the time. You will jump back in the deep end in no time :)
ReplyDeleteTravis,
ReplyDeleteI wanted to thank you for starting this blog and to encourage you in your journey through the rough terrain you seem to be facing. I'm glad you have been able to open up to others who are directly in your life, and I am thankful that at least some of them have responded honestly and affirmingly.
It is important that people you care about, and the people who post here, realize that you truly do love and seek God. Rather than judge you for what they see as wood in your eye, hopefully they will respect your courage to follow God wherever He may be. Hopefully, they realize that God is bigger than any labels, doctrine, or other container they have to use because they, themselves, are finite and tiny. I hope they will realize that God can overcome any fault in you (or themselves), and any misstep they think you are making; God is always ready to run to us, embrace us, and shower us with Grace upon the first sight of our seeking Him, wherever, and however we do that.
As you said, faith building (not the LDS kind for historical inquiry but the Work of God in us) often comes after some demolition. This is obvious, since, if we were already built right, then there would be no need to build. And truth and power (the Kingdom of God) cannot be built upon falsehood and our own fear-based bravado.
So my wife and I will pray for you and your wife and your families and friends, that the work that God is doing in you will ultimately be a blessing to all of you. I'll also pray that your "condemned" structures don't fight back too hard and, thus, require more force to be overcome by the Great (Demolisher and) Builder.
May The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit bless you and yours and keep you. May His will be done in your earth (you) as it is in Heaven. In the Name of Jesus the Christ, Amen.